I don't remember who said that. Probably if I googled it I could find out, but I don't care right now. This post isn't really about joy, or silence, or heralding. It's about making a difference, the right way - the Godly way.
It is the week of our local county fair. I've been really praying for God to use me this week as a minister to the dairy/show community that turns up every year, and that I would be aware of the opportunities to share as they come up. I don't know if I'm just not paying enough attention or what is going on, but I haven't encountered any situations where I felt like I was called to speak or act. Until yesterday that is.
I called in a favor from my brother last night for someone else. I asked him to bring a few bales of hay for a group that had run out. He brought it up and the parent who had asked me to call him never even acknowledged his presence. Never said thank you. Never even looked at him.
I was incensed. They asked me to call him with this favor, and thats they kind of reception they give him? I did mention it to her later, and she gave me $5 for his trouble. But then I found out later that she wasn't too happy and had been talking about me/him. And different members of my family started texting me about how rude that was. I was stuck between feeling the need to defend my friends and protect my brother from their rudeness.
It occured to me that maybe this was one of the opportunities I've been looking for. I was so angry though. I couldn't sleep much last night because I was racking my brain trying to figure out how to turn this situation into a good one. And I've been thinking about it almost nonstop since then. My first (and strongest) instinct was to go in there with both guns blazing. But I did want to make God proud with the way I handled this.
But maybe I'm not supposed to say anything. Maybe I'm making too big of a deal out of this. I did discuss it with a co-worker and we kinda decided that I should say something but that it should be kept positive. Like, "Josiah wasn't looking for money, he just wanted to bless you guys by doing you a favor. He would have really appreciated some kind of acknowledgment, rather than a complete dismissal." I feel peace about this.
But I'm still getting angry just thinking about it. If it was just me I would be ok. But don't mess with my brother.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Poetry and valleys
I've been dealing with my past a lot recently. Well, I think its been 6 months or so that Gods been kinda gently pushing me towards this point. Each struggle and valley I've gone through was just one more bit of proof that God didn't really care about me. I know that this isn't true, but it really felt that way. Each time I would ask God why, and I never got an answer. Or maybe I just didn't get the answer I was looking for; I'm not sure which it was. But I do know that if he wanted to fix my situations (past and present) that He is fully qualified to do so. And He never did remove me from them, so must be He really doesn't care about me. Even though every bit of my Bible-referencing head rejected this though, my heart really believed it, and my heart was broken. But still nothing changed. I was still broken hearted over Gods abandonment, but then it became more.
Anger, bitterness, frustration - You said you loved me, God! Were those just words?!? Why? I don't understand...
Even now those feelings come back. But my eyes have been opened over the past week, maybe two weeks. My discussion with one of my co-workers last wednesday, the sermon I heard yesterday, my devotions...all pointed out to me that God uses our valleys to His glory. The absolute worst part is that we seldom can see it at the time and it truely feels like He's abandoned us.
Several times this past week my mind was taken back to a poem I read maybe six months ago. Its funny that now I can see where reading that poem was the starting point to me climbing out of my valley. And I've only read it once in passing, but I could still remember the name of it, and its author so that I could google it again. The author, Terry Anderson, is actually from my hometown of Batavia, NY. He was caputured by Shiites in 1985 and lived for 7 years in captivity in Lebanon. During this time he became a Christian and began writing poetry. He was the last of a group of hostages to be released in 1991.
Stigmata X
No man can ever start anew completely;
he's everything he's ever done
or said or failed to do.
Each bit is added on,
Altering the whole,
But covering, not replacing
what has gone before.
A piece of unfired clay,
he bears the marks
and scars of all his years.
Not just clay, though--
sculptor, too;
he helps to mold himself:
Objects, artist, audience.
Sometimes, though, larger hands--
destiny, fate, karma, God--
take firmly hold and,
wielding fierce events,
risk fracture to hack
and carve away some
awkward, ugly bits.
The final work cannot be seen
until it's fired,
and all fires cooled.
Paul knew: suffering and pain
are the truest ways,
the only ways for some of us,
to draw out that within
which answers to
the purpose of it all.
Anger, bitterness, frustration - You said you loved me, God! Were those just words?!? Why? I don't understand...
Even now those feelings come back. But my eyes have been opened over the past week, maybe two weeks. My discussion with one of my co-workers last wednesday, the sermon I heard yesterday, my devotions...all pointed out to me that God uses our valleys to His glory. The absolute worst part is that we seldom can see it at the time and it truely feels like He's abandoned us.
Several times this past week my mind was taken back to a poem I read maybe six months ago. Its funny that now I can see where reading that poem was the starting point to me climbing out of my valley. And I've only read it once in passing, but I could still remember the name of it, and its author so that I could google it again. The author, Terry Anderson, is actually from my hometown of Batavia, NY. He was caputured by Shiites in 1985 and lived for 7 years in captivity in Lebanon. During this time he became a Christian and began writing poetry. He was the last of a group of hostages to be released in 1991.
Stigmata X
No man can ever start anew completely;
he's everything he's ever done
or said or failed to do.
Each bit is added on,
Altering the whole,
But covering, not replacing
what has gone before.
A piece of unfired clay,
he bears the marks
and scars of all his years.
Not just clay, though--
sculptor, too;
he helps to mold himself:
Objects, artist, audience.
Sometimes, though, larger hands--
destiny, fate, karma, God--
take firmly hold and,
wielding fierce events,
risk fracture to hack
and carve away some
awkward, ugly bits.
The final work cannot be seen
until it's fired,
and all fires cooled.
Paul knew: suffering and pain
are the truest ways,
the only ways for some of us,
to draw out that within
which answers to
the purpose of it all.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
The curse of life
There are many "curses of life" out there, but the one I'm referring to today is this whole idea of not being able to sleep even though you need, want, and have to sleep. It is truely one of the worst curses I've had to endure.
It happened again last night. I was awake way more often than I was asleep. I tried reading, tossing & turning, and thinking. Usually on a particularly bad night (like last night) I'll give up after a few hours and just watch tv. But last night I didn't really want to go downstairs, and since we've got the whole digital tv thing going on now, I can't watch tv in my room anymore. I mean, I guess I could if I could just get around to buying a stinking converter box.
So I'm not sure what I want to write about today. I think I'm just procrastinating on getting to work, possibly because I have so much work to do and I am overwhelmed with where to start.
I had a wonderful ride on my horse last night. First though, I cleaned him up really good. He was spotless, which is saying something when you're dealing with a white horse. We got real good and sweaty while riding, so I thought I'd be nice to him and let him roll around a bit in his pasture when we got back home. I didn't expect him to find the only muddy spot left in the entire pasture to roll in. So my white horse is a disgusting mud color now. Yuck. But he is still terribly cute :)
It happened again last night. I was awake way more often than I was asleep. I tried reading, tossing & turning, and thinking. Usually on a particularly bad night (like last night) I'll give up after a few hours and just watch tv. But last night I didn't really want to go downstairs, and since we've got the whole digital tv thing going on now, I can't watch tv in my room anymore. I mean, I guess I could if I could just get around to buying a stinking converter box.
So I'm not sure what I want to write about today. I think I'm just procrastinating on getting to work, possibly because I have so much work to do and I am overwhelmed with where to start.
I had a wonderful ride on my horse last night. First though, I cleaned him up really good. He was spotless, which is saying something when you're dealing with a white horse. We got real good and sweaty while riding, so I thought I'd be nice to him and let him roll around a bit in his pasture when we got back home. I didn't expect him to find the only muddy spot left in the entire pasture to roll in. So my white horse is a disgusting mud color now. Yuck. But he is still terribly cute :)
Friday, August 7, 2009
When the hard times come: Marriage
I found an article on the NY Times website that I felt the need to share. Its about how one woman dealt with her husband telling her that he didn't love her anymore. She was so brave, and I hope that I can respond with the same kind of maturity that she exhibited if I'm ever presented with this.
I'll be honest, marriage scares me. As much as I want that kind of long term, comfortable relationship, I can tell you right now that it will be really hard for me to make "the leap". I look at my friends and relatives parents who are divorced or seperated, and I never want to put potential kids, siblings, parents, and friends through the kind of thing that I've seen people put through. Not to mention the pain my prospective spouse will have to endure, as well as myself. It would be better if they had never married.
I'm not anti-marriage. Its just one of the most daunting future goals I have for myself - to get married sometime in the future, and to stay married until I/he dies. With divorce rates sky high (even...no, especially in churches), how can I guarantee that I, a highly failable human being, will create a marriage that stands the test of time? I can't.
And don't tell me that all I need is to rely on God. If you can't figure out why I don't want to hear that, please reread that last sentence, and notice the "highly failable human being" part. The only way that relying on God could help me feel better would be if there was a way to guarantee that I will always rely on God. And I can't do that. I want to, but I can't. I give way to the things of this world waaaay to easily to be able to guarantee this to myself.
However, I can pray that my fears don't keep me from experiencing marriage. And that they don't make me predestined to fail at marriage.
By the way, I met one of our clients today who informed me that she had actually put my name up to help with the dorms at our fair (see the previous post). But as is usual, the dorm lady heard my name and it translated to Amanda's name. I love Lisa (our client), because at least she can get my name right...and she told me she had no idea who Amanda was. Lol, there's some irony for you.
I'll be honest, marriage scares me. As much as I want that kind of long term, comfortable relationship, I can tell you right now that it will be really hard for me to make "the leap". I look at my friends and relatives parents who are divorced or seperated, and I never want to put potential kids, siblings, parents, and friends through the kind of thing that I've seen people put through. Not to mention the pain my prospective spouse will have to endure, as well as myself. It would be better if they had never married.
I'm not anti-marriage. Its just one of the most daunting future goals I have for myself - to get married sometime in the future, and to stay married until I/he dies. With divorce rates sky high (even...no, especially in churches), how can I guarantee that I, a highly failable human being, will create a marriage that stands the test of time? I can't.
And don't tell me that all I need is to rely on God. If you can't figure out why I don't want to hear that, please reread that last sentence, and notice the "highly failable human being" part. The only way that relying on God could help me feel better would be if there was a way to guarantee that I will always rely on God. And I can't do that. I want to, but I can't. I give way to the things of this world waaaay to easily to be able to guarantee this to myself.
However, I can pray that my fears don't keep me from experiencing marriage. And that they don't make me predestined to fail at marriage.
By the way, I met one of our clients today who informed me that she had actually put my name up to help with the dorms at our fair (see the previous post). But as is usual, the dorm lady heard my name and it translated to Amanda's name. I love Lisa (our client), because at least she can get my name right...and she told me she had no idea who Amanda was. Lol, there's some irony for you.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
I. Am. Invisible.
I don't mean the supernatural, superhero type invisible, but rather the type that makes me not at all memorable to people. For example, during my Houghton years I would eat lunch with my friend Jamie and she would introduce me to one of her friends that would invariably end up joining us. I would eat with her again at supper and the same friend that she introduced me to at lunch would join us. And he/she never remembered that he/she had already met me at lunch that same day. It was never more than 6 hours later!
I got my hair cut a month ago. It was a major cut - like 8 inches. No one in my immediate family (those I share a house with) said anything until 6 days later. They just didn't notice apparently.
People I grew up with on the show circuit still don't know who I am. I've known them for 15+ years, and if they think about it they know I'm a Berkemeier, but thats it. I'm not important enough for them to remember.
Its been this way my entire life, and I'm not sure why. I thought I had finally accepted it during college; its not my fault that some people are memorable and I'm not...there's nothing wrong with me. I'm a daughter of the King, and He knows my name. That's all I need, right?
Monday my cousin texted me and asked if she could get a ride to our local county fair on whatever days I'm going up. Apparently the program director of 4-H has been pestering her about helping with the cow shows. And the lady in charge of organizing dorm supervisors has also been on her case about helping out in the dorms. I was stunned. She hasn't been to our fair in 3 years, and they're all desperate for her help? What about me - the one who volunteers every year during the fair, and also for every other event they have? I guess I'm not needed this year. Its like she took my record of helping and changed my name into hers. She's always been more memorable than me around the dairy circuit, and I've always been jealous of her.
The worst is when people come up to me and tell me how much they appreciate what Amanda does for the program, and they recite off a whole list of things she's helped with over whatever time frame their thinking about. Its always hard for me to not cry when this happens, because I can guarantee that the majority of the things listed are things that I had done while she was busy being popular.
I don't want a certificate or an awards ceremony. I don't need recognition for the hours and hours I spend volunteering for 4-H, church, etc.
I just want people to remember my name.
I got my hair cut a month ago. It was a major cut - like 8 inches. No one in my immediate family (those I share a house with) said anything until 6 days later. They just didn't notice apparently.
People I grew up with on the show circuit still don't know who I am. I've known them for 15+ years, and if they think about it they know I'm a Berkemeier, but thats it. I'm not important enough for them to remember.
Its been this way my entire life, and I'm not sure why. I thought I had finally accepted it during college; its not my fault that some people are memorable and I'm not...there's nothing wrong with me. I'm a daughter of the King, and He knows my name. That's all I need, right?
Monday my cousin texted me and asked if she could get a ride to our local county fair on whatever days I'm going up. Apparently the program director of 4-H has been pestering her about helping with the cow shows. And the lady in charge of organizing dorm supervisors has also been on her case about helping out in the dorms. I was stunned. She hasn't been to our fair in 3 years, and they're all desperate for her help? What about me - the one who volunteers every year during the fair, and also for every other event they have? I guess I'm not needed this year. Its like she took my record of helping and changed my name into hers. She's always been more memorable than me around the dairy circuit, and I've always been jealous of her.
The worst is when people come up to me and tell me how much they appreciate what Amanda does for the program, and they recite off a whole list of things she's helped with over whatever time frame their thinking about. Its always hard for me to not cry when this happens, because I can guarantee that the majority of the things listed are things that I had done while she was busy being popular.
I don't want a certificate or an awards ceremony. I don't need recognition for the hours and hours I spend volunteering for 4-H, church, etc.
I just want people to remember my name.
Monday, August 3, 2009
On Singleness
Psalm 55:22 - Cast thy burden upon Jehovah, and he will sustain thee: He will never suffer the righteous to be moved.
What are the burdens that you have refused to let go? As I was reading this last night, the first one that popped into my head was my singleness. This is at times a very overwhelming burden for me. This past tuesday I almost broke down just standing in my backyard watching the sunset. I so wanted to share the magic of the changing colors and the warm breeze with someone, but it was just my dog and I.
How have you sustained me in this, God?!? If I was really sustained, it wouldn't be such a big deal to me that I'm single, right? I wouldn't long for someone to share my life and experiences with. I would be complete just being one of His children. But I'm not - I still long for someone. How have I been sustained, how have I not moved; all I've done is fail.
But I heard a little whisper last night. (Hearing that whisper was almost as heartening as what was whispered - I'm working my way back to You, God). He reminded me of a conversation I had with one of my younger friends Saturday night when I was giving her a ride home from the drive-in.
It was 1:30 a.m. It was just her and I. She was discussing how she really felt pathetic because she always needs a boyfriend, whether she was really interested in someone or not. Her identity is wrapped up in her need to feel physically attractive; to feel like she's wanted and needed by a man. To have someone enjoy her company. To be able to enjoy his company, even though she really doesn't after a while. All the things that I've wanted to feel for so long. But the difference between her and I is that she actually needs a boyfriend to validate her as a human, whereas I've never felt that.
That's how God has sustained me. He hasn't sustained me by giving in to my desires. And he hasn't sustained me by making those desires go away. He has sustained me by supporting me and validating my worth as a human, apart from any guy. I am important to Him because I am me - a daughter of the King. My worth is not tied to my ability to get and keep a boyfriend, hold witty conversations with half a dozen guys at once, enrapture an entire group of men, etc. And neither is yours. If you are a daughter/son of Jehovah, you have no need for a man/woman. Having the desire for one is completely human, but don't fall into the trap that says having a boyfriend is the road to happiness. Because thats what it is - a trap. A downward cycle that begins spinning out of control until your worth is tied to whether or not you are single.
I'm learning that singleness is a gift. And that being able to enjoy your singleness is an even greater gift. The learning process is slow.
One last bit of advice: there is a difference between contentment and satisfaction. I read somewhere that we should be content in our single state (or whatever state God has given to us), even though we are not satisfied. I think that is an important distinction.
What are the burdens that you have refused to let go? As I was reading this last night, the first one that popped into my head was my singleness. This is at times a very overwhelming burden for me. This past tuesday I almost broke down just standing in my backyard watching the sunset. I so wanted to share the magic of the changing colors and the warm breeze with someone, but it was just my dog and I.
How have you sustained me in this, God?!? If I was really sustained, it wouldn't be such a big deal to me that I'm single, right? I wouldn't long for someone to share my life and experiences with. I would be complete just being one of His children. But I'm not - I still long for someone. How have I been sustained, how have I not moved; all I've done is fail.
But I heard a little whisper last night. (Hearing that whisper was almost as heartening as what was whispered - I'm working my way back to You, God). He reminded me of a conversation I had with one of my younger friends Saturday night when I was giving her a ride home from the drive-in.
It was 1:30 a.m. It was just her and I. She was discussing how she really felt pathetic because she always needs a boyfriend, whether she was really interested in someone or not. Her identity is wrapped up in her need to feel physically attractive; to feel like she's wanted and needed by a man. To have someone enjoy her company. To be able to enjoy his company, even though she really doesn't after a while. All the things that I've wanted to feel for so long. But the difference between her and I is that she actually needs a boyfriend to validate her as a human, whereas I've never felt that.
That's how God has sustained me. He hasn't sustained me by giving in to my desires. And he hasn't sustained me by making those desires go away. He has sustained me by supporting me and validating my worth as a human, apart from any guy. I am important to Him because I am me - a daughter of the King. My worth is not tied to my ability to get and keep a boyfriend, hold witty conversations with half a dozen guys at once, enrapture an entire group of men, etc. And neither is yours. If you are a daughter/son of Jehovah, you have no need for a man/woman. Having the desire for one is completely human, but don't fall into the trap that says having a boyfriend is the road to happiness. Because thats what it is - a trap. A downward cycle that begins spinning out of control until your worth is tied to whether or not you are single.
I'm learning that singleness is a gift. And that being able to enjoy your singleness is an even greater gift. The learning process is slow.
One last bit of advice: there is a difference between contentment and satisfaction. I read somewhere that we should be content in our single state (or whatever state God has given to us), even though we are not satisfied. I think that is an important distinction.
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