Dear God,
What am I doing here? I mean really, why am I on this glorious Earth that you've made? Am I here only to worship you? Do I have no greater purpose?
I suppose that if you take the expanded sense of worship then that really is my entire purpose. But I really just want to do something, anything, to further your kingdom.
I thought you put me in this office in order to live my life as a witness to my co-workers. I've been here 3 1/2 years...sometimes it seems like a whole heck of a lot longer. And I've made exactly zero progress on your behalf. It sure seems that way anyways. I'm not complaining about that. I'm where you put me, and you obviously have a reason for having me here, right?
I'm really starting to wonder though. Am I really that special? Don't get me wrong, I really am happy for Rach...that she got to witness to someone she's prayed for (longer than me, I might add). And I'm really excited that Jodi was actually interested in what she was saying. I mean, really glad. But at the same time, where does that leave me? Am I expendable? Backup, maybe? Am I really making a difference?
Sometimes, God, I wonder if maybe its me. Like maybe I'm just not a good enough Christian. I seem to miss opportunities left and right. I spend all my time kicking myself for being an idiot and giving in to my fears and issues. I could really use some truth right about now.
Maybe Rachel is just gifted in evangelism. She certainly loves talking about you. Maybe I have other gifts? I wish I knew what they are.
Anyways, I think I'm feeling a little better now. Not a lot, but a little. I need to quit wishing I could be like other people. It doesn't help that other people think that I need to be like them too though, eh? It's funny God, but I feel like you're rubbing the importance of reading your word into my face. The Truth. It's right there. Instant self-esteem.
God, I love you. I'm sorry I'm such a dipstick about everything pertaining to you. And I'd really like to trust you, but its pretty hard sometimes. Anyways, I'd better go. It was nice talkin' to ya.
Aimee
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
One year ago today...
I totalled my beloved car. It wasn't a special car in any way, other than it was the first car I bought with money saved from an actual after-college job, and it wasn't purchased from a family member. I loved that car. I still miss it.
It amazes me how I responded that day. I'm actually kinda proud of my reactions, and truth be told I don't even regret the accident.
My mom actually told me that she would rather deal with an accident I was involved in any day of the week if it meant that she would never have to deal with an "Ari accident" again. Ari can be pretty difficult. I tend to be pretty calm and thoughtful when things like that happen. By the time Mom had arrived I'd already gone through all the insurance questions I had, and the trooper who came to do the accident report had looked my car over and informed me that it was probably a goner. I had a good 1/2 hour to adjust to life post-accident, and it was more than enough time to regain my mental balance. Things don't overwhelm me that easily.
My most proud moment was when I was sitting in the backseat of my parents car, waiting for the tow truck to finish getting my car back onto the road and then onto the back of his truck. I remember thinking (very sarchastically) that this was such a great way to start the day. I was really annoyed with myself for not slowing down enough before starting down a hill with pretty substantial curves on it. Especially after swerving all over the road in the slush & snow on the flat and straight areas I'd already gone through. I should have known better.
But as I sat there, I realized that that really was a great way to start the day - with a definite example of God's hand on my life. The area where my car eventually ended up had a creek running along the road, at the bottom of a 5 ft bank. Enough to flip my car over and into the creek upside down...which has happened several times to unsuspecting drivers. There are some trees between the road and the creek, but they aren't generally large enough to stop a car. But one stopped my car. Even if I could have gotten out of the drivers side, I wouldn't have - the creek bank started less than a foot from the side of my car. And my car was stopped by hitting a tree with just the back corner of it. All the physics that I learned say that that really shouldn't have happened. It should have kept spinning until at least the front end was in the creek.
I was so thankful. What a great way to start my day!
It amazes me how I responded that day. I'm actually kinda proud of my reactions, and truth be told I don't even regret the accident.
My mom actually told me that she would rather deal with an accident I was involved in any day of the week if it meant that she would never have to deal with an "Ari accident" again. Ari can be pretty difficult. I tend to be pretty calm and thoughtful when things like that happen. By the time Mom had arrived I'd already gone through all the insurance questions I had, and the trooper who came to do the accident report had looked my car over and informed me that it was probably a goner. I had a good 1/2 hour to adjust to life post-accident, and it was more than enough time to regain my mental balance. Things don't overwhelm me that easily.
My most proud moment was when I was sitting in the backseat of my parents car, waiting for the tow truck to finish getting my car back onto the road and then onto the back of his truck. I remember thinking (very sarchastically) that this was such a great way to start the day. I was really annoyed with myself for not slowing down enough before starting down a hill with pretty substantial curves on it. Especially after swerving all over the road in the slush & snow on the flat and straight areas I'd already gone through. I should have known better.
But as I sat there, I realized that that really was a great way to start the day - with a definite example of God's hand on my life. The area where my car eventually ended up had a creek running along the road, at the bottom of a 5 ft bank. Enough to flip my car over and into the creek upside down...which has happened several times to unsuspecting drivers. There are some trees between the road and the creek, but they aren't generally large enough to stop a car. But one stopped my car. Even if I could have gotten out of the drivers side, I wouldn't have - the creek bank started less than a foot from the side of my car. And my car was stopped by hitting a tree with just the back corner of it. All the physics that I learned say that that really shouldn't have happened. It should have kept spinning until at least the front end was in the creek.
I was so thankful. What a great way to start my day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)