Desire.

I read a book last summer/fall with one of my Bible study groups. It was all about God seeing us a beautiful. I don't even remember the name of it. Oh, yes I do..."Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" in a flowy, cursive script. Stay with me, I am headed somewhere.

Does God think I'm beautiful? Why does it even matter to me whether He thinks I beautiful or not? Why does it matter if anyone sees me as beautiful? If He made me perfect, if I truly am fearfully and wonderfully made, then beauty shouldn't be an issue. But it is. I can only conclude that He made us (specifically, women) to feel this way for a reason, but I don't know why.

When was the last time I was told that I looked nice? January 8th. Exactly one month ago today. My company's Christmas party, and a new dress. I even felt pretty. Nay, I felt hot. Smoking hot. I find it sad that I can mark the specific days when I am told that I am pretty. October 17th was the time before that. Twice in a matter of five months. No wonder I have this deep longing to be told I'm pretty.

Every once in a while some random stranger will come up to me and tell me that I look pretty. At the library, in my favorite Tim Hortons, in stores, on the side of a road, etc. I always feel like it's God reminding me that I am special when I just want to be noticed by someone. Anyone.

But the truth that God was revealing to me was that I was being noticed. By God and by man. It just wasn't ever the man that I wanted.

He finds me beautiful, this I know. But knowing that still doesn't fulfill me like I've been taught that it should. I still long to be desired by man. I may have a God sized hole in my heart, but I also have a man sized one. Maybe I should have made sure I wasn't the only eternally single person in my Bible study group; every one else had experienced marriage and children and friends and family. They never experienced the intense longing that accompanies prolonged singleness.

Why would God create us with a longing to be desired by man, and then tell us that the world will hate us for loving Him? I guess I should be thankful that I was warned at least.

'Til Death Do Us Meet

My cousin just found had her first ultrasound yesterday. She and her husband have been trying to have a baby for several years, so I am absolutely thrilled for them!

Another cousin got engaged about a month ago. Travis is a great guy and they should be happy together.

These two cousins and I were nearly inseperable when we were growing up, but now I'm being left behind. And I don't like it.

I so desperately want to be married and have kids. One of my mom's comments last night upon hearing about the pregnancy was that my cousin is "not getting any younger". The same could be said of me. And yet, here I am. All alone. Alone in my past, in my present, and in the forseeable future.

I mentioned to a co-worker a few days ago, pre-finding out my cousin is pregnant, that I felt like I was missing out on life's blessings because I am single and have no children. She responded that I was already blessed beyond belief just by virtue of having a relationship with Christ. And yet, she also has a relationship with Christ...on top of the wonderful husband she has and her three precious children. So logically, she is blessed four times as much as I am. I sometimes wonder what I'm doing wrong.

Reaffirming my commitment to God is a daily occurance right now. I know that I am right where I belong with regards to God's will for my life, and when I am honest with myself I will willingly admit that I wouldn't trade my relationship with Christ for a husband and children. But I am not satisfied with my life. I do not feel full.

But I refuse to give in to my own desires and doubts. God has been teaching me to stand and face them and say as Albert Mondego did: "Do your worst, for I shall do mine!" I know that God has a plan for my life. Until death when we can meet face to face O God, I am yours. If He chooses to allow me to share my life with another, then I will be eternally grateful. But if not, I am His. My relationship with God is not conditional. It is not optional. It is however, a choice - and I have made mine.

It is for this reason that I am again reading Sense and Sensibility. Elinor is my soul sister. While she is expected to rejoice in her family's triumphs and join in their tears, she is regularly having to deal with secret torments in her own soul. She has the kind of strength I would like to have. Straight from the first chapter: "She had an excellent heart; - her disposition was affectionate, her feelings were strong; but she knew how to govern them...", and "Elinor, too, was deeply afflicted; but she could still struggle, she could exert herself."

This I declare: my hopes, fears, emotions, desires, and doubts shall be governed! They will not overcome me!