Dear God,
What am I doing here? I mean really, why am I on this glorious Earth that you've made? Am I here only to worship you? Do I have no greater purpose?
I suppose that if you take the expanded sense of worship then that really is my entire purpose. But I really just want to do something, anything, to further your kingdom.
I thought you put me in this office in order to live my life as a witness to my co-workers. I've been here 3 1/2 years...sometimes it seems like a whole heck of a lot longer. And I've made exactly zero progress on your behalf. It sure seems that way anyways. I'm not complaining about that. I'm where you put me, and you obviously have a reason for having me here, right?
I'm really starting to wonder though. Am I really that special? Don't get me wrong, I really am happy for Rach...that she got to witness to someone she's prayed for (longer than me, I might add). And I'm really excited that Jodi was actually interested in what she was saying. I mean, really glad. But at the same time, where does that leave me? Am I expendable? Backup, maybe? Am I really making a difference?
Sometimes, God, I wonder if maybe its me. Like maybe I'm just not a good enough Christian. I seem to miss opportunities left and right. I spend all my time kicking myself for being an idiot and giving in to my fears and issues. I could really use some truth right about now.
Maybe Rachel is just gifted in evangelism. She certainly loves talking about you. Maybe I have other gifts? I wish I knew what they are.
Anyways, I think I'm feeling a little better now. Not a lot, but a little. I need to quit wishing I could be like other people. It doesn't help that other people think that I need to be like them too though, eh? It's funny God, but I feel like you're rubbing the importance of reading your word into my face. The Truth. It's right there. Instant self-esteem.
God, I love you. I'm sorry I'm such a dipstick about everything pertaining to you. And I'd really like to trust you, but its pretty hard sometimes. Anyways, I'd better go. It was nice talkin' to ya.
Aimee
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
One year ago today...
I totalled my beloved car. It wasn't a special car in any way, other than it was the first car I bought with money saved from an actual after-college job, and it wasn't purchased from a family member. I loved that car. I still miss it.
It amazes me how I responded that day. I'm actually kinda proud of my reactions, and truth be told I don't even regret the accident.
My mom actually told me that she would rather deal with an accident I was involved in any day of the week if it meant that she would never have to deal with an "Ari accident" again. Ari can be pretty difficult. I tend to be pretty calm and thoughtful when things like that happen. By the time Mom had arrived I'd already gone through all the insurance questions I had, and the trooper who came to do the accident report had looked my car over and informed me that it was probably a goner. I had a good 1/2 hour to adjust to life post-accident, and it was more than enough time to regain my mental balance. Things don't overwhelm me that easily.
My most proud moment was when I was sitting in the backseat of my parents car, waiting for the tow truck to finish getting my car back onto the road and then onto the back of his truck. I remember thinking (very sarchastically) that this was such a great way to start the day. I was really annoyed with myself for not slowing down enough before starting down a hill with pretty substantial curves on it. Especially after swerving all over the road in the slush & snow on the flat and straight areas I'd already gone through. I should have known better.
But as I sat there, I realized that that really was a great way to start the day - with a definite example of God's hand on my life. The area where my car eventually ended up had a creek running along the road, at the bottom of a 5 ft bank. Enough to flip my car over and into the creek upside down...which has happened several times to unsuspecting drivers. There are some trees between the road and the creek, but they aren't generally large enough to stop a car. But one stopped my car. Even if I could have gotten out of the drivers side, I wouldn't have - the creek bank started less than a foot from the side of my car. And my car was stopped by hitting a tree with just the back corner of it. All the physics that I learned say that that really shouldn't have happened. It should have kept spinning until at least the front end was in the creek.
I was so thankful. What a great way to start my day!
It amazes me how I responded that day. I'm actually kinda proud of my reactions, and truth be told I don't even regret the accident.
My mom actually told me that she would rather deal with an accident I was involved in any day of the week if it meant that she would never have to deal with an "Ari accident" again. Ari can be pretty difficult. I tend to be pretty calm and thoughtful when things like that happen. By the time Mom had arrived I'd already gone through all the insurance questions I had, and the trooper who came to do the accident report had looked my car over and informed me that it was probably a goner. I had a good 1/2 hour to adjust to life post-accident, and it was more than enough time to regain my mental balance. Things don't overwhelm me that easily.
My most proud moment was when I was sitting in the backseat of my parents car, waiting for the tow truck to finish getting my car back onto the road and then onto the back of his truck. I remember thinking (very sarchastically) that this was such a great way to start the day. I was really annoyed with myself for not slowing down enough before starting down a hill with pretty substantial curves on it. Especially after swerving all over the road in the slush & snow on the flat and straight areas I'd already gone through. I should have known better.
But as I sat there, I realized that that really was a great way to start the day - with a definite example of God's hand on my life. The area where my car eventually ended up had a creek running along the road, at the bottom of a 5 ft bank. Enough to flip my car over and into the creek upside down...which has happened several times to unsuspecting drivers. There are some trees between the road and the creek, but they aren't generally large enough to stop a car. But one stopped my car. Even if I could have gotten out of the drivers side, I wouldn't have - the creek bank started less than a foot from the side of my car. And my car was stopped by hitting a tree with just the back corner of it. All the physics that I learned say that that really shouldn't have happened. It should have kept spinning until at least the front end was in the creek.
I was so thankful. What a great way to start my day!
Friday, November 20, 2009
Sometimes I just need a little space...
Psalm 73:26 - My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
I've been really frustrated with my heart recently. I feel like my heart is a rock where God is concerned. Like he wants me to focus on Him, but I don't really care. I think its kind of a self-protection strategy; I'm just no longer willing to put my heart on the line for God. It leads to too much hurt.
But this verse gives me hope. My heart has failed, but its ok cause God's got my back. I can't unharden my heart, but I think God is ok with being the strength of my heart while I figure this all out. I'm strangely comforted by the idea of God stepping back and giving me space while I unharden my heart.
Imagine a married couple that was seperated but has decided to work things out and stay together. Its a long process. There is hurt on both sides, and pain, and mistrust. And sometimes you just need your space. But if your spouse is truely commited to a reconciliation, you are taking that space with the knowledge that he/she isn't going anywhere and actually can't wait until you're done needing space. They recognize the need for space, aren't threatened by it, and are capable of rejoicing at the closeness which separation can bring.
Thats where my relationship with God is right now. Sometimes I just need space. I'm not walking away. I'm just as commited to making my relationship with God work as He is. But I've been hurt by Him. Even if it just stems from my inability to understand/see His plans, its still hurt. And I'm pretty sure He's ok with my need for space sometimes, as it allows me time to think clearly and unemotionally. And I can come back, ready and willing to listen to what He's trying to tell me.
I've been really frustrated with my heart recently. I feel like my heart is a rock where God is concerned. Like he wants me to focus on Him, but I don't really care. I think its kind of a self-protection strategy; I'm just no longer willing to put my heart on the line for God. It leads to too much hurt.
But this verse gives me hope. My heart has failed, but its ok cause God's got my back. I can't unharden my heart, but I think God is ok with being the strength of my heart while I figure this all out. I'm strangely comforted by the idea of God stepping back and giving me space while I unharden my heart.
Imagine a married couple that was seperated but has decided to work things out and stay together. Its a long process. There is hurt on both sides, and pain, and mistrust. And sometimes you just need your space. But if your spouse is truely commited to a reconciliation, you are taking that space with the knowledge that he/she isn't going anywhere and actually can't wait until you're done needing space. They recognize the need for space, aren't threatened by it, and are capable of rejoicing at the closeness which separation can bring.
Thats where my relationship with God is right now. Sometimes I just need space. I'm not walking away. I'm just as commited to making my relationship with God work as He is. But I've been hurt by Him. Even if it just stems from my inability to understand/see His plans, its still hurt. And I'm pretty sure He's ok with my need for space sometimes, as it allows me time to think clearly and unemotionally. And I can come back, ready and willing to listen to what He's trying to tell me.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Home Sweet Home
Home can mean so many things to so many people. My mom didn't have a "home" for quite a few of her growing up years. I've lived in the same "home" all of my 25 years. And WNY really is my home. I love traveling to new places and discovering new "homes", but part of going is looking forward to returning again.
I've found many places where I feel at home. Like when I go there, I become convinced that I could live there forever. And I don't think its a naive conviction either. Romania and Vietnam are the main 2. Actually the only 2 outside of WNY. I spent loads of time away from the tourist hubs in each of these countries, and I am convinced that I really could live in either country.
Today I miss Romania. I miss being there so much that I just want to sit here and cry. Which is strange, as I don't know anyone that lives there and I really only spent time in a small area of the country. But I miss it just the same.
And just like WNY, there are many things I don't miss about Romania. The racism for one. Every time I think about how bad it is here, I try to remind myself that at least its not like Romania. But also just like WNY, there are so many positives. Many more than I can list here.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Frustration
I like my job. I really do. Some days I have to remind myself of this frequently. Today is one of those days.
I just don't get one of my bosses. Last Friday, a bunch of us grunts were in the hallway chatting when she came in. Her first comment was actually "good morning", but her second comment followed quickly: "Why are you all standing around talking? Are the computers down?" None of us were clocked in. We each have an hour of break time during the day, and I don't recall anyone giving me a specific time that I could take it. So why can't I take it during the day. Actually, we get yelled at for talking too much all the time. We got an e-mail today telling us to stop discussing things amongst ourselves if we're wondering about something and to come to her. Thats kinda funny actually, since when we do come to her she either makes herself unavailable or she'll shoot us down. And I've heard her several times directly imply that someone was either lying or purposely making something up. Its like she feels that we are only here to screw with her life and her perfect office. She doesn't realize how much she screws herself up.
And its a darn good thing that she was lucky enough to become partners with Bob. And she was lucky to hire such great people for me to work with. Cause they're the only reasons I'm still here. She certainly isn't doing anyone any favors around here; that would require being nice, and that is too close to being weak. And we certainly can't admit to a weakness or to being not perfect or to making a mistake. Oh my, that would be bad.
I just don't get one of my bosses. Last Friday, a bunch of us grunts were in the hallway chatting when she came in. Her first comment was actually "good morning", but her second comment followed quickly: "Why are you all standing around talking? Are the computers down?" None of us were clocked in. We each have an hour of break time during the day, and I don't recall anyone giving me a specific time that I could take it. So why can't I take it during the day. Actually, we get yelled at for talking too much all the time. We got an e-mail today telling us to stop discussing things amongst ourselves if we're wondering about something and to come to her. Thats kinda funny actually, since when we do come to her she either makes herself unavailable or she'll shoot us down. And I've heard her several times directly imply that someone was either lying or purposely making something up. Its like she feels that we are only here to screw with her life and her perfect office. She doesn't realize how much she screws herself up.
And its a darn good thing that she was lucky enough to become partners with Bob. And she was lucky to hire such great people for me to work with. Cause they're the only reasons I'm still here. She certainly isn't doing anyone any favors around here; that would require being nice, and that is too close to being weak. And we certainly can't admit to a weakness or to being not perfect or to making a mistake. Oh my, that would be bad.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Travelling
I spent a long weekend in Washington DC recently. I was very enjoyable. I was concerned with whether or not I would be able to relax adequately during 4 days, but I shouldn't have worried. While in Vietnam, I purposely worked on being able to relax. It came in handy while in DC, as I made the mental switch to vacation mode basically overnight. I would like to share a few of my experiences from this trip:
1. I got lost as soon as I came out of the Chinatown metro exit. I took one look at the Friendship Arch, knew that I had to go through it, and for some odd reason I turned right around and went the other way. It didn't take me too long to realize that I was lost, but I couldn't for the life of me get unlost. I wandered around like a mad woman for 1/2 an hour before I finally figured it out. During this period of wandering, I passed a black guy leaning up against a wall. He watched me as I walked by, and after I had passed him he said "excuse me" very quietly. I wasn't sure whether it was directed at me or not, so I just kept walking. I turned a few corners, realized I had gone the wrong way again, turned around again, and saw him again. It almost freaked me out to realize that he was following me, but he wasn't terribly close to me so I couldn't be positive that he was following me. But as I went by him again, he started walking with me. "Hi, I'm Donnell", he says. "I'm Aimee. Nice to meet ya. Know where the Verizon Center is?" "Nope. I'm from Leesburg; I have no idea where it is. Can I call you sometime?" At this point, I was a bit confused...is he a stalker, pick pocket, rapist, creeper, etc? "Ummmmm...no. Sorry." "Oh, ok. How bout you call me?" "Um. No. Sorry." "Ok, bye." That was the last I saw of him. I love random, innocent encounters.
2. The guys who ride the horses that pull the state funeral carriages at Arlington all seem to be young and good looking. And apparently they just drive their carriages out to some obscure area during the lunch hour and enjoy a picnic. I stumbled upon the black horses while wandering around Arlington. The 4 good looking guys I met let me pet their horses. It was wonderful ;)
3. While eating at a really really small El Salvadorian restaurant, an older French dude sat next to me (I was eating at the bar). He was apparently really big into the "free love" ideology from the hippy era, as it only took him 20 minutes to start trying to talk me into accepting the keys to his apartment. Wowza. I was very glad when one of the ladies staying in my room at the hostel came in...I don't think she expected to be used as a wingman that night.
There were many more random encounters, including a night out at The Reef with Chris, Daniel, Simon, Andre, Kent, and an Argentinan who's name I couldn't catch. Super fun. I should get to work now though :(
For my next trip, I'm thinking either Toronto for the Royal or Oklahoma for Bedlam. Or maybe both.
1. I got lost as soon as I came out of the Chinatown metro exit. I took one look at the Friendship Arch, knew that I had to go through it, and for some odd reason I turned right around and went the other way. It didn't take me too long to realize that I was lost, but I couldn't for the life of me get unlost. I wandered around like a mad woman for 1/2 an hour before I finally figured it out. During this period of wandering, I passed a black guy leaning up against a wall. He watched me as I walked by, and after I had passed him he said "excuse me" very quietly. I wasn't sure whether it was directed at me or not, so I just kept walking. I turned a few corners, realized I had gone the wrong way again, turned around again, and saw him again. It almost freaked me out to realize that he was following me, but he wasn't terribly close to me so I couldn't be positive that he was following me. But as I went by him again, he started walking with me. "Hi, I'm Donnell", he says. "I'm Aimee. Nice to meet ya. Know where the Verizon Center is?" "Nope. I'm from Leesburg; I have no idea where it is. Can I call you sometime?" At this point, I was a bit confused...is he a stalker, pick pocket, rapist, creeper, etc? "Ummmmm...no. Sorry." "Oh, ok. How bout you call me?" "Um. No. Sorry." "Ok, bye." That was the last I saw of him. I love random, innocent encounters.
2. The guys who ride the horses that pull the state funeral carriages at Arlington all seem to be young and good looking. And apparently they just drive their carriages out to some obscure area during the lunch hour and enjoy a picnic. I stumbled upon the black horses while wandering around Arlington. The 4 good looking guys I met let me pet their horses. It was wonderful ;)
3. While eating at a really really small El Salvadorian restaurant, an older French dude sat next to me (I was eating at the bar). He was apparently really big into the "free love" ideology from the hippy era, as it only took him 20 minutes to start trying to talk me into accepting the keys to his apartment. Wowza. I was very glad when one of the ladies staying in my room at the hostel came in...I don't think she expected to be used as a wingman that night.
There were many more random encounters, including a night out at The Reef with Chris, Daniel, Simon, Andre, Kent, and an Argentinan who's name I couldn't catch. Super fun. I should get to work now though :(
For my next trip, I'm thinking either Toronto for the Royal or Oklahoma for Bedlam. Or maybe both.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Three cheers for football!
I will no longer have to wonder what I'm going to be doing on my every-other-saturday off. If I have nothing planned I will be watching college football. And enjoying every minute.
I will no longer have to come up with something to do during the 2-3 hours between church and afternoon chores. I will be on the couch watching NFL (and sleeping through halftime).
I will no longer casually flip through the sports section of the morning newspaper. I become an avid reader once again.
I will always have something to talk about with my dad when we're milking together. He actually enjoys listening to my random rants about the politics surrounding college ball. Especially when they blow up in my face. And I enjoy coming up with said rants.
I will spend more time with my dad. Sure it's in front of the tv, and we'll be arguing about the relative merits of different coaches and players, but its still time with my dad.
I will be able to feed my love for AD (Adrian 'All-Day' Peterson). He is the best looking black dude I've ever seen. And he's a great person and player to boot.
I will be able to laugh at all the players that sucked in college and still managed to get drafted in the first couple of rounds. They will suck in the NFL as well. At least for a while.
I will be able to watch Knowshon Moreno attempt to be the next AD. And I will laugh while he's doing it.
I could have enjoyed following Sammy as he led the Sooners to another championship game. Now he's injured. I should have written this a week ago :(
I will be able to watch the Sooners battle back from losing their Heisman-winning QB and best TE to injuries. It will be a good test of their mettle.
I will hopefully be able to watch the Shootout and Bedlam. My fingers are crossed...
And last, but most definitely not least, I will have my faith encouraged by Tim Tebow. He challenges, inspires, and encourages me, and I've never even met him. And he also is good-looking. ;)
Hockey starts in less than a month. This is a good time of year. *contented sigh*
In other news - I'm working my butt off trying to get work done, and I feel like I am being undermined by one of my bosses. Not cool. And I officially have glasses. But just for driving. I do kinda like them though.
I will no longer have to come up with something to do during the 2-3 hours between church and afternoon chores. I will be on the couch watching NFL (and sleeping through halftime).
I will no longer casually flip through the sports section of the morning newspaper. I become an avid reader once again.
I will always have something to talk about with my dad when we're milking together. He actually enjoys listening to my random rants about the politics surrounding college ball. Especially when they blow up in my face. And I enjoy coming up with said rants.
I will spend more time with my dad. Sure it's in front of the tv, and we'll be arguing about the relative merits of different coaches and players, but its still time with my dad.
I will be able to feed my love for AD (Adrian 'All-Day' Peterson). He is the best looking black dude I've ever seen. And he's a great person and player to boot.
I will be able to laugh at all the players that sucked in college and still managed to get drafted in the first couple of rounds. They will suck in the NFL as well. At least for a while.
I will be able to watch Knowshon Moreno attempt to be the next AD. And I will laugh while he's doing it.
I could have enjoyed following Sammy as he led the Sooners to another championship game. Now he's injured. I should have written this a week ago :(
I will be able to watch the Sooners battle back from losing their Heisman-winning QB and best TE to injuries. It will be a good test of their mettle.
I will hopefully be able to watch the Shootout and Bedlam. My fingers are crossed...
And last, but most definitely not least, I will have my faith encouraged by Tim Tebow. He challenges, inspires, and encourages me, and I've never even met him. And he also is good-looking. ;)
Hockey starts in less than a month. This is a good time of year. *contented sigh*
In other news - I'm working my butt off trying to get work done, and I feel like I am being undermined by one of my bosses. Not cool. And I officially have glasses. But just for driving. I do kinda like them though.
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