Desire.

I read a book last summer/fall with one of my Bible study groups. It was all about God seeing us a beautiful. I don't even remember the name of it. Oh, yes I do..."Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" in a flowy, cursive script. Stay with me, I am headed somewhere.

Does God think I'm beautiful? Why does it even matter to me whether He thinks I beautiful or not? Why does it matter if anyone sees me as beautiful? If He made me perfect, if I truly am fearfully and wonderfully made, then beauty shouldn't be an issue. But it is. I can only conclude that He made us (specifically, women) to feel this way for a reason, but I don't know why.

When was the last time I was told that I looked nice? January 8th. Exactly one month ago today. My company's Christmas party, and a new dress. I even felt pretty. Nay, I felt hot. Smoking hot. I find it sad that I can mark the specific days when I am told that I am pretty. October 17th was the time before that. Twice in a matter of five months. No wonder I have this deep longing to be told I'm pretty.

Every once in a while some random stranger will come up to me and tell me that I look pretty. At the library, in my favorite Tim Hortons, in stores, on the side of a road, etc. I always feel like it's God reminding me that I am special when I just want to be noticed by someone. Anyone.

But the truth that God was revealing to me was that I was being noticed. By God and by man. It just wasn't ever the man that I wanted.

He finds me beautiful, this I know. But knowing that still doesn't fulfill me like I've been taught that it should. I still long to be desired by man. I may have a God sized hole in my heart, but I also have a man sized one. Maybe I should have made sure I wasn't the only eternally single person in my Bible study group; every one else had experienced marriage and children and friends and family. They never experienced the intense longing that accompanies prolonged singleness.

Why would God create us with a longing to be desired by man, and then tell us that the world will hate us for loving Him? I guess I should be thankful that I was warned at least.