Sometimes I just need a little space...

Psalm 73:26 - My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I've been really frustrated with my heart recently. I feel like my heart is a rock where God is concerned. Like he wants me to focus on Him, but I don't really care. I think its kind of a self-protection strategy; I'm just no longer willing to put my heart on the line for God. It leads to too much hurt.

But this verse gives me hope. My heart has failed, but its ok cause God's got my back. I can't unharden my heart, but I think God is ok with being the strength of my heart while I figure this all out. I'm strangely comforted by the idea of God stepping back and giving me space while I unharden my heart.

Imagine a married couple that was seperated but has decided to work things out and stay together. Its a long process. There is hurt on both sides, and pain, and mistrust. And sometimes you just need your space. But if your spouse is truely commited to a reconciliation, you are taking that space with the knowledge that he/she isn't going anywhere and actually can't wait until you're done needing space. They recognize the need for space, aren't threatened by it, and are capable of rejoicing at the closeness which separation can bring.

Thats where my relationship with God is right now. Sometimes I just need space. I'm not walking away. I'm just as commited to making my relationship with God work as He is. But I've been hurt by Him. Even if it just stems from my inability to understand/see His plans, its still hurt. And I'm pretty sure He's ok with my need for space sometimes, as it allows me time to think clearly and unemotionally. And I can come back, ready and willing to listen to what He's trying to tell me.