What do I write about today? I'm at a bit of a loss. I don't have anything. But I feel like I need to write. Not sure why.

I was looking at some of the NYS adoption photolistings this morning. I shouldn't do that at work. It breaks my heart. Especially the children with the sad tilt to their face and the tears that show through their pasted on smiles. And then I ask God why I'm still not in a position to take some of these children in. Or just one. The idea of having more than one at once scares me a little bit, actually. I don't know which one I would take though. How do you choose between the girl with the scruffy hair that loves the outdoors but is struggling in school and has behavioral issues and the girl that loves to sing and dance and draw and write but has dealt with tremendous loss in her life and is meeting with a psychiatrist several times a month? I can't save them all, but I wish it were possible.

And right now I'm not saving any of them - that's what breaks my heart the most.

The odd thing is that I have no desire to adopt any of the kids. I might someday, but not now. I just want to be their foster parent. I want to show them that love in the midst of an extremely difficult life is possible. I want to help them rediscover hope in their lives. I want to help them become the best people they can be. And I want to help them prepare for their forever home.

I'm learning patience though. And how to rekindle hope, and how to hold onto it desperately as it's trying to escape again. And how to forgive. And how to love those who have hurt me deeply.

Maybe that's why I am not a foster parent yet. How can I teach the children those things if I haven't experienced them myself? All the pain I've dealt with in the past several years are probably just a glimpse at the pain those children are living with every day.