What do I write about today? I'm at a bit of a loss. I don't have anything. But I feel like I need to write. Not sure why.

I was looking at some of the NYS adoption photolistings this morning. I shouldn't do that at work. It breaks my heart. Especially the children with the sad tilt to their face and the tears that show through their pasted on smiles. And then I ask God why I'm still not in a position to take some of these children in. Or just one. The idea of having more than one at once scares me a little bit, actually. I don't know which one I would take though. How do you choose between the girl with the scruffy hair that loves the outdoors but is struggling in school and has behavioral issues and the girl that loves to sing and dance and draw and write but has dealt with tremendous loss in her life and is meeting with a psychiatrist several times a month? I can't save them all, but I wish it were possible.

And right now I'm not saving any of them - that's what breaks my heart the most.

The odd thing is that I have no desire to adopt any of the kids. I might someday, but not now. I just want to be their foster parent. I want to show them that love in the midst of an extremely difficult life is possible. I want to help them rediscover hope in their lives. I want to help them become the best people they can be. And I want to help them prepare for their forever home.

I'm learning patience though. And how to rekindle hope, and how to hold onto it desperately as it's trying to escape again. And how to forgive. And how to love those who have hurt me deeply.

Maybe that's why I am not a foster parent yet. How can I teach the children those things if I haven't experienced them myself? All the pain I've dealt with in the past several years are probably just a glimpse at the pain those children are living with every day.

Sing Me A Love Song Again...

The tension is thick in the air
Making it hard to see
I fear what is to come
And what is to become of me
I say a prayer, help me not run away
Will You please hold me?

And sing me a love song again
Say the words that heal my heart
Sing me a love song and then
Let your words remind me who I am

You've never failed me before
Why do I feel betrayed?
If I close my heart to you now
The darkness would have it's way
I crave your voice, help me not fall away
Will You please hold me?

'Cause You are all that I need
And all that I want is You with me
You are all I need
And all that I want is You with me.

(Barlow Girl, Sing Me A Love Song)


Oh, tragedy
Has taken so many
Love lost cause they all
Forgot who You are
And it scares me to think
That I would choose
My life over You
Oh, my selfish heart
Divides me from You
And keeps us apart

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?

Oh, why do I
Let myself let go
Of hands that painted the stars
And hold tears that fall?
And the pride of my heart
Makes me forget
It's not me but You
Who makes the heart beat
I'm lost without You
And dying from me.

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?

Will my life
Find me by Your side?
Your live is beautiful
So beautiful

At the end of it all
I want to be by Your side
(Barlow Girl, Beautiful Ending)


(Can you tell I like Barlow Girl? So much truth...)

Marriage: a snapshot

I came home from Arizona determined to never marry. It was a new feeling for me, as one who can still remember telling my mom that I wanted to grow up and be a housewife just like her at the age of 4.

I had just spent a week staying with a college friend and her husband, and I saw their marriage up close and personal - or as much of it as they allowed me to see. And what I saw was a horrid, ugly marriage. It turned me off from marriage completely. I went from telling a co-worker how blessed I felt to be surrounded by wonderful, Godly marriages to telling that same co-worker that I was bound and determined to never subject myself (and those around me) to what my friend had conciously subjected herself to. The selfishness and pettyness and childishness on both sides made me sick, and my goal of promoting Christ through my life doesn't at all correspond to what they had created.

Somehow I went from seeing that marriage as the exception in the realm of Christian marriages to it being the rule, and it scared me. I wanted no part of something like that. I felt God telling me "Let that be a warning to you, girl." What kind of warning? A warning against marriage.

But I chose to listen to a sermon series by Alistair Begg entitled "God of the Ordinary" this week, and it wasn't quite what I thought it would be. It is a series based on the Book of Ruth, and that naturally leads to some preaching on the subject of marriage.

And, thank God, I have been brought to see clearly once again. The issue isn't marriage. The issue is allowing your own fears, and misguided beliefs, and sins into marriage, and neglecting to allow God to redeem it. Or neglecting to allow God a place at all. I don't want a marriage like my friends'. I want a marriage that will seem radical to the world, but is infinitely logical when reduced to how God sees the world. That's what I want. And that kind of marriage requires that I hold out for the man God has for me. How else could you have the marriage God wants for you, but than with the man God wants for you?

And though my heart and soul cry out for a relationship now, my head squashes them both and demands that I be patient and wait.

This one goes out to you, my lovely great aunt.

I have this great aunt. (Actually, I'm sure I have many, but she is the only one I know). Her name is Aunt Ella. It's a lovely name for a lovely person. I'm not sure I ever realized quite how lovely she was until this past thanksgiving.

Aunt Ella is blind, and mostly deaf. The deafness isn't so bad now that she has a super-de-duper hearing aid, but she still can't hear too much. She can be kind of a pain in the neck. I know she gets lonely, living all by herself and never really seeing relatives except at holidays. And it's not like she lives far away, either. She has just been so difficult for us all to deal with until just a few years ago when hearing aids improved substantially. And old people can be a bit difficult to deal with anyways. And I'll admit right now that I am one of the worst offenders...I drive by/near her house every work day as opposed to everyone else that would have to drive 20 minutes out of their way to see her. But I do take time on the holidays to say hello and talk for a few minutes, which is more than most of my relatives do. And I do so without grumbling, which is what almost all of my relatives don't do. They tolerate her, but that is all. She is considered an oddity. She's pushy. She's inappropriate at times. She pesters.

But she is still lovely. Mostly because she truely loves the Lord. I went over to talk to her on Thanksgiving and mentioned that I've been studying for my CPA exams and was kinda stressed about them. "Well, let's pray then!" she says. Heads that were trying to purposely look away shot up, to see my reaction. I don't think they expected to see surprise that was quickly replaced by abject relief on my face. And maybe they didn't see it, but it was there. I'd been more stressed than I was willing to admit, and I just kept remembering that I had all kinds of people praying for me with the first two, and no one was praying for this one. And in some ways I'm more nervous about this exam. So instead of being turned off by her standing in the middle of the room and holding my hands to her heart and praying out loud in front of everyone, I stood there and thanked God for putting her in my life.

God cared for my needs that day. I'd already turned my exams over to Him, but I really felt the lack of prayers for this exam, and it added to my stress. Last time, people told me that they asked God to help me pass in such a way that I would know it was Him. And He did. But would He show up in such a way again without those prayers? Now it doesn't matter. Pass or fail, God is still taking care of my needs, and that is really whats important.

For the record though, I really really really want to pass. The idea of spending another month of time doing nothing but studying makes me sick. And I would have to pay more money. I really really really want to pass. I still don't feel like I'm going to. But as Sarah pointed out to me Friday night, I felt the same way with the first two and I managed to pass them both (with a ton of help from God!).

So today, the day of the exam, I am not worrying. The exam is in His hands, just like my need for someone to pray with me was.

Who to discover a Curtius is able?"

Is it a matter of "can't" or "won't"? God doesn't put us in situations that we can't handle. He gives us issues that we can't handle without Him, but the truth of the matter is that we are capable of dealing with any kind of injustice if we but set our minds to it, as long as we know who our strength is.

The real issue most of the time is that we won't. We won't humble ourselves. We won't forgive. We won't be the "bigger man". We won't allow personal affronts to go unpunished. We won't take responsibility. We won't take advantage of our circumstances, and allow them to become an opportunity for growth.


From "Lucile", by Owen Meredith

"In Rome, - in the Forum, - there open'd one night
A gulf. All the augurs turn'd pale at the sight.
In this omen the anger of Heaven they read.
Men consulted the gods: then the oracle said: -
'Ever open this gulf shall endure, till at last
That which Rome hast most precious within it be cast.'
The Romans threw in it their corn and their stuff,
But the gulf yawn'd as wide. Rome seem'd likely enough
To be ruin'd ere this rent in her heart she could choke.
Then Curtius, revering the oracle, spoke:
'O Quirites! to this Heaven's questions is come:
What to Rome is most precious? The manhood of Rome.'
He plunged, and the gulf closed.
The tale is not new;
But the moral applies many ways, and is true.
How, for hearts rent in twain, shall the curse be destroyed?
'Tis a warm human one that must fill up the void.
Through many a heart runs the rent in the fable,
But who to discover a Curtius is able?"

How do you know?

How do you know when you're supposed to speak truth into someones life, and when you should shut up and let God work?

I feel no regret for what I've done. Only sadness at the possible loss of a good friendship. I asked God what I should do, and upon receiving no answer decided to go ahead and send that e-mail. I'm not sure if I felt peace, but I know I didn't feel anything suggesting that I shouldn't send it. I think the sense of sorrow overcame any peace I might have felt.

Sorrow for what my friend is going through, and what she refuses to admit that she's going through. Sorrow at the comment she made that her prayers hadn't worked, knowing that she is praying to her own version of a god that works like a vending machine. Put your prayer in, and out comes a multitude of blessings. And sorrow at the fact that she isn't willing to put the effort into getting to her own happy ending, which may or may not be considered happy by the worlds standards, but would be by God's standards. Life has been so easy for her, it must be scary to find out that it's not all rose petals and rainbows. I can't understand that kind of easy life since it is not even close to what I've experienced, but I can imagine the struggle to adjust her worldview. To grow up, if you will. And in such a way. Her sorrow is my sorrow.

Did I do the right thing? The idea of God not approving of what I've done, coupled with the loss of a friendship would be too much for me to bear I think. But I couldn't just sit there allowing her family and friends to fill her head with all those lies without giving her some truth. But was it my truth to give?

My heart is breaking. But it will be worth it if God uses what I wrote to wake her up. Even if it doesn't happen right away...I've been learning about patience in my life, and the least I can do is give God the time needed to work a miracle in her life. I'm counting on the fact that God uses all things for good; even my misguided, faulty, and foolish e-mails.

Hello Blogger, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again.

It has been a while. In one sense, I am so desperate to open myself up on here; to write and post my honest thoughts and feelings. But the thought of having it available for the world to see (even if the world doesn't see) is a bit nerve wracking. I hate this blog because it inspires me to honesty, and I love it because it provides a needed outlet. I physically journal, but I think better when I can type and erase and type some more. My thoughts are always so scattered...knowing that I can go back and edit and reword things gives me a sense of peace.

I've been wondering a lot lately about my struggles with loneliness, and with what God's purpose for my life is, and how everything that I thought my life would be is apparently not what God has for me. Or not right now anyways. Collectively, those three things have weighed my heart and soul down for far too long. And I know it's a problem. I've tried many different things over the past several years...including telling God that He's a lunatic (I still tell Him that; it makes me laugh, and then I feel a bit better. And so far He hasn't seemed to mind my name calling...).

I think the worst part is carrying around the longing to be a foster parent. I've wanted to be a foster parent since I was about 15. That's 11 years. And I feel like I'm no closer to fulfilling that role than I was then. Realistically I know that I have gotten closer, just by studying people and spending time with broken children and researching fostering, but the foundational things that I would need to become a foster parent just aren't there. Why would God give me this dream, a dream that is admirable and needed in NY, and then not enable me to fulfill it? I sometimes feel like He's just messing with me. Everyone else was put here with a purpose, but I'm just part of some cosmic science experiment to discover how torture the human mind can endure while still calling Him "Master".

And have I let Him down, just by being the essence of a strong, individual female? People tell me that they admire my strength, and that they wish they were like me. But I'm not like me. I'm strong out of necessity, not by choice. I don't want to change my own oil, I want someone to take care of that for me. I dont' want to be the strong person when things go south, I want a shoulder to lean on and cry into. Instead I save all my crying for when I'm driving alone. And people tell me how much they admire me, and how I inspire them.

But if they could see my weakness, maybe they would also see that it is ok to be weak, to struggle. I struggle too, I just don't let it show. In our weakness, we allow Him to be our strength. And until recently, I've not allowed Him to be my strength. I still don't want to. His way hurts to much...what happened to "my yoke is easy, and my burden is light"? I've sinned against myself and against God. Is that admirable?

I admire those people who can struggle openly, and yet still trust in and rely on God. Yet maybe that's all a farce too. A show. I hope so. Those put together people make me sick, and make me hate myself. Probably because I know that I am viewed as one of those people, and I know how deep the lie can go.

My conversations with God every morning go something like this:

Me: God, I can't do this anymore. I want out. I can't see where this is ever going to end, and it hurts too much.
God: Darling, can you trust me enough to give me some more of your time? Long enough for you to see how it all works out?
Me: How long's it going to take?
God: How long can you spare?
Me: I can only commit to giving you today.
God: That's perfect!